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May. 13th, 2010

life works in wondrous ways...

now i can blog about something that I am happy about and not moan like the last 100 blog entries!!! Hahahaha... just exaggerating.

but...yes, it does work in wondrous ways.

i read some of my past blog entries and I must say, that I am quite amazed at how much I miss having someone in my life. Crushes, unrequited love... hmmm...

now... as much as I did say that I was on a perfect date and had a fun time in a museum, I realised how those things don't matter what so ever.

with this recent happening, the date was for 2 days... and despite not doing anything else but hang out with each other, i was perfectly fine with it. the laughter, the joy, the teasing, but most of all the company...it was special...truly... and i can't stop thinking about it.

is age a factor? no longer... it doesn't matter whether they're older or younger, it is how you feel when you are with that person... i know i'm in heaven...

May. 12th, 2010

Strange...

how life pans out...

one minute i'm fretting about my insecurities, another minute i'm having the biggest rush of my life!

it is true that life is full of surprises. it happens at the most unlikeliest of moments, and when it does, it hits you with a bang...

for a while there i thought i'd never meet someone whom i could probably see my life with. enough of bad relationships, some good, some bad i suppose, that have led me to think that maybe, perhaps, i would be going it alone.

when i meet someone, and if i feel the connection, i am not one to shy away. but i have had enough times where i feel like everyone else deserves happiness except me.

perhaps i'm being cynic, perhaps i'm being all mopy once more...but when you least expect it, it happens...

i am not in love as yet, so don't go jumping the gun...

i am enjoying the moment, taking it one day at a time. so far it's been good and i thank God for what he has blessed me with...

Apr. 24th, 2010

I think I know why...

...I'm this insecure.

Yes, I am insecure!!!!!

It was that one fine incident 3 years ago in October that indelibly changed my outlook on men for the rest of my life. It has scarred me more than I can actually admit and now every guy I look at would remind me of what may be if I do not hold on to that next person.

Seriously...it was over a conversation with a good friend here in London, a guy nonetheless, that opened my eyes. I did not really think I was actually going to admit this but I think I need to. So this is going to be a thank you to the dude who emotionally scarred me and I can forever think that I am not worth a guy's time.

So, you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, you know who you are. Because of you, my insecurity when it comes to the guy I like shoots to the moon and I can never understand why they never like me. You have successfully made me so well aware of myself that I could literally shy away... my self esteem has suffered because of YOU!

But... I forgive you. I forgive for what you put me through. I forgive you for being inconsiderate because the only person who will only know the true person that you are is yourself and I hope you can confront yourself because you seriously need a wake up call.

PHEW...there I said it.

Apr. 21st, 2010

Should I?

After chatting with a friend from home, he says that I come on quite strongly. That apparently scares the men. I think he's right. I can never back down. I have always been aggressive and I do not know where I picked it up from either. Mom's pretty much been with only man, my dad.

So would it be appropriate if I actually wrote to this person and say that I never meant to come on that strongly? And that I truly enjoy this person's company?

The one date I had with him was probably the most memorable and whilst I may have been on the perfect date some time back, this was to my liking.

A visit to the museum, a spontaneous trot in the gallery, a conversation that was full of laughter and the occasional ringing of the alarm :)

But that person has regressed. No peep from that person, I have no idea why. Could it be because I bombarded him with too many things? I donno lah.........

Apr. 20th, 2010

the death of...

the author.

Yes, it is an essay I had to read for my thesis, written by a French Philosopher named Roland Barthes. At first read, it was difficult to decipher. But having read between the lines, it says plenty. Mind you, almost all of the French Philosophy that I have read throughout the last few months have proven useful in adding punch to my thesis.

It is also quite applicable in my life I would say. Why? Let me take an excerpt from the essay:

 
 
Once the Author is removed, the claim to decipher a text becomes quite futile. To give a text an Author is to impose a limit on that text, to furnish it with a final signified, to close the writing. 
 
 
 


Huh? What do you mean? Go read it again, then come back and tell me what that sentence means...I know it spoke plenty to me :)

Apr. 19th, 2010

When I am in doubt...

I look for my friends...

and not the ones who live in the UK...but those who live a million miles away...

I am still going through a bout of mopy-ness, it is still there that is for sure. But having confided in friends, and their kind sweet words woke me up. I am also thankful that I have my thesis to concentrate on. The multiple angles that I need to think, reinvent how I should be writing it, has taken over my life. Well it was supposed to have taken over my life since two weeks ago but I have been so occupied with so many other things, I am now rushing through it, hoping I make sense.

I have rewritten my introduction twice. I do not hope to rewrite it for sure. I have started bits of my methodology and even then I am not even sure whether I have chosen the right path.

And then, I question myself, is this what I am hoping to get?

And, what about the rest of my life? I love my me time for sure but can that dude, whoever it may be just pop into my life soon?

Apr. 18th, 2010

the times i blog...

are the times I have something to moan about...
are the times I cannot fathom what the solutions may be...
are the times I try being objectives, but can't see the light...
are the times I want to tear my hair out just because...
are the times I want to cry, but can't...
are the times I need some comfort, and this is my way out to vent...

Y'know...

it's so utterly strange...

here i am gloating... when i am actually supposed to be writing. i did... all 900 words... still the inspiration is not coming...aaarrrrgggghhhhh :(

i do not know whether what i am putting myself through is just worth it. sigh... liking someone who is far too far away just doesn't cut it... why in the world do i allow myself to be that way anyway...

couldn't it be just this simple:

girl meets boy
boy meets girl
they are in the SAME country
they fall in love

not exactly the story of my life at the moment...

Apr. 15th, 2010

Patience

Yeap... I need an abundance of it.

Why? I actually don't know.

How is that? I know I have patience.

So why do I need it? Because I hate waiting around.

Why am I waiting? For this one person to wake up and see what I am what that person needs.

Who is this person? Someone I met in a faraway land.

Did he steal my breath? Yes he did. Probably my heart too :(

Hmm... then I really need patience. Yes I do...

Please GOD. Tell me what to do.

Apr. 13th, 2010

Hiatus...

It has been a good 4 months since I blogged. Imagine that...

Well, in the four months I have been through so much and what can I say? I've had a roller coaster ride!

But this where it is getting complicated. Or maybe I'm making it complicated?

What do you do when you're interested in a person who lives in a different country, you've only met twice, once at an event, another as a date (or so I think) spoken on the phone 3 times, messages from time to time and a frequent basis of emails. Do you freak the other person out? Do you come on strongly? What?

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